Gillis unveils sinister new plan for Rice Stadium

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"We're planning on buying 400 red monkeys with moneys from the general fund. Rice Stadium will now be used exclusively for training the monkeys. We'll convert the turf into a military-style training grounds. Oooh, it'll be crazy. The `R' Room and stadium seating will be converted into dormitories for the monkeys. Also in the plans are a post office, cafeteria, hospital, and new shuttle stop. Rice Stadium will become a self-contained monkey village."

Immediately after the public announcement, Student Association President Maryana Iskander voiced student concerns regarding the addition. "Although I am usually quick to kiss his [Gillis'] ass, this time it is different. Where are these monkey-warriors going to park? Do they get to vote? Are they part of the SA? Please, people. Let's talk about the real issues. Period." Iskander then rambled on about monkeys not being very clean; that they would occupy her personal space in the hedges, and that no blanket-tax funds should be used. "Like Mo Bawa once said, if owls can't get money for blankets, neither should the monkeys."

Another concern has been the training of the monkeys."The Rice Police will train the monkey-warriors. We're looking into buying tasers and hang gliders. After a year, the monkeys will be a lean, mean fighting machine." Although the projected cost of the project is $5.4 billion, this new monkey army will be able to deter a small army. At full force, we will be able to mobilize the Village in fifteen minutes," promised Gillis.

Kent Anderson, a member of the Board of Governors, had this to offer about the plan, "[Malcolm] has been all freaked out since he saw that episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Dudley and Arnold were almost molested. He's been twitching a lot and has already redecorated the interior of O'Connor House with a primate motif. He has this sinister laugh going on all the time, and Malcom calls Bob Truscott daily asking about the new Planet of the Apes premium channel. Most of his new `ideas' are wack, but this monkey thing seems interesting. I mean, he is a prominent economist, and how can you lose with monkeys?"

When asked what the ultimate plan for the monkeys was, Gillis responded, "Don't you worry about that."

Be scared children.

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the September 8, 1995 issue.

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