Rice U. Thrësher fires Backpage Editors

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"I've long thought that the Backpage was no longer funny. So I am going to try to make you laugh by drawing things that really are irrelevant," commented Spieler on his new role. Spieler also has taken over the well-known Backpage calendar and classifieds. He plans to move them to the Features Section (see page 15). Spieler intends to take over the whole paper by March.

University President Malcom Gillis had this to say, "Those potty-mouthed kids were making it impossible to do the kind of fund-raising the University needs to keep tuition low. And how in the hell were we supposed to solicit endowment gifts for our monkeys? Don't these dirty-minded freaks know they are not funny? Bring back Stotts. He was a visionary."

One of the BPEs was able to evade Gillis' anger. Gillis quickly forgave and appointed fired Backpage Editor Packy Saunders to a new university post, Student Director of Monkey Affairs. Responsibilities include reorganizing the defunct O-Week to be "Monkey Week," having lots of meetings, leading the Monkey Week coordinators from each residential college, and finding housing for monkeys transferring from other universities. "Monkey Week will be a success, I can feel it," responded Saunders. "Because monkeys really don't care about childish pranks. There will be a new level of intellectualism about this campus -- and Monkey Week coordinators will be finally given enough authority to satisfy their power-hungry delusions." As for Saunders, he will receive Pat Martin's office space and a salary in the low six figures.

The other fired BPEs did not escape Gillis' wrath. A special session of Monkey-Court has been called for disciplinary action against BPEs John "Sparkles" Koshy and Robert "Kos" Koslow. "We met yesterday with Dean Burnett," said Koshy, "she seemed really peeved about the monkeys in the Student Center. We're nothing but scapegoats in this whole ordeal."

The question remains, will the campus be funnier without BPEs? The only thing for sure is that no one will miss them.

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the September 8, 1995 issue.

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