COLUMN: How to get back on top

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by Corey Pie

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Last year we were rank-ed around 12th. How did this happen? How can we get on top?

And I mean on top. I don't want us to get back to 12. I want number one.

They'll tell you we need to raise standards, build new buildings or just force more work on students so they learn more by the time they leave.

Well that's all fine and dandy and it may get us back to 12th, but to get to number one, we'll have to take some pretty drastic measures.

We need people to think of fun when they think of Rice.

I've compiled a list of suggestions for President Gillis to consider.

* Have two full, yearly modeling scholarships. If we could get Brad Pitt and Alicia Silverstone to come here, I think we could change the minds of some of those Harvard seekers.

* Instead of the buses that go to the commuter parking lot, we need to use a Rice Helicopter Service or a Doughnut-a-Pult.

* Pay off the writers of the Simpsons to have Bart cheat his way into Rice and then have a lot of madcap fun with Gillis and his monkeys.

* Hold an episode of MTV's Singled Out in the Pub every month.

* Dub the word "Rice" into all of those old "I'm going to Disneyland" commercials. People always believe what's on television.

* Improve the quality, not the quantity of the work, in an effort to improve the individual in all respects so he or she succeeds not just financially but in life.

* Introduce the new EMKU 101 class. This class will train all students going into middle management what they really need to know how to do to succeed: Excuse Making and Kissing Up to upper management.

* Hire the Unabomber for "mission to lower Harvard's returning freshmen percentage."

* Get an advanced copy of U.S. News next year, change the ratings and publish a ton of copies to be sent to all of Rice. As long as we think we won, who cares.

* Three words: Coed Naked Finals.

Even if these suggestions don't work, at least they'll be fun.

Corey Pié is a Sid Richardson College sophomore.

This item appeared in the Opinion section of the September 29, 1995 issue.

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