Your Guide To The Stars

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Your hands and feet are mangos, you will be a genius anyway.

Show your loved one you care. Shave his or her ass while they're asleep. They'll love you for it.

Use caution. You will go blind if you continue to wack off in the library.

Troubled times lie ahead. You will freak out and think you're Yoda.

You will not receive your Campanile.

You will receive a special visitor. If Jesus Christ comes to you in your sleep, ask Him for a picture ID.

This weekend brings good news. You will get a Double Flawless victory in Mortal Kombat. Good job!!!!

You will fail the Orgo test next week and the guy who sits next to you with no personality will get much futher than you in life.

You will. And the company to bring it to you, AT&T.

You will paint the Hanszen statue blue and treat everyone around you like shit. Asshole.

Love blossoms. You hire a two-bit whore.

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the October 6, 1995 issue.

Copyright © 1996 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved.
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