The Backpage of the century

---

We care about your health in these days of AIDS misclass

---

This little number was submitted by a Rice (gasp!) woman -- on the back of a Victoria's Secret Flyer . She must be a sell out, eh? What better place to sell oneself out than to the Backpage?

Now we must say that we at the Backpage encourage (and lately practice) abstinence as the best form of contraception. But because not everyone subscribes to this theory, we must remind you that this poem is purely fantasy. In order to help stop the spread of AIDS and a host of other diseases, keep the condom on it.

Friends, if your partner won't wear one, hold out. Deion Sanders did, and he got a $13 million signing bonus. There are other free agents in the sea willing to respect those safe-sex wishes.

"This is an Aye-Aye, and he's probing my apparatus."

-- ANTH 203 Guest Lecturer.

"Are we disturbing you?"

"No, I'm just masturbating."

--That damn guy who won't shut up during cabinet meetings.

"If the citizens of the people living in both countries go naked, there is no need to produce cottton at all; all the land would go to weed."

-- From Macroeconomics 212 textbook.

"So, let's say we had the slithy toves on amphetamines and the schoolgirls on quaaludes ... You know, I really need to get off schoolgirls."

-- Dr. Spike Gildea trying to explain syntax, LING 200.

"I'm just a tool of the administration."

-- Ticketing Officer 220.

"A lumped parameter system is a system with lumped parameters."

"A non-conservative force is a force which is not conservative."

-- From the chalkboards of Mech 411 with Dr. Ghorbel.

"The empty set: You can't get rid of it, but of course it's not there."

-- F. Jones.

"Maybe you heard this song when you were in the back of a '57 Chevy. Of course, as a Rabbi, all I did in the back of a Chevy was ride."

-- Rosh Hashanah at EmanuEl.

"Stop me if I'm drinking too much here."

-- Dr. Goldman, COMP 280.

"I'm a professor, I'm hungry, I'm an onion, I'm on the moon."

--  Dr. Goldman, COMP 280.

Jones male frosh: "I've never seen THAT before."

Jones male senior: "It's called a girl."

"The answer is: The professor has no brains."

-- Keith Cooper, COMP 412, in response to a student's question.

"I've been writing proposals for how to use computation in the 23rd century -- other than breaking V'ger's tractor beam."

--  Keith Cooper, COMP 412.

"One day the ranks of dumbasses will unite, and we'll stomp the fascist horses of smartasses."

-- Overheard at Hanszen.

"I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me."

-- Winston Churchill.

"Sir, you are drunk!"

"But dear lady, as I will be sober in the morning, you will still be ugly."

-- Winston Churchill.

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the October 13, 1995 issue.

Copyright © 1996 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved.
This document may be distributed electronically, provided that it is distributed in its entirety and includes this notice. However, it cannot be reprinted without the express written permission of:
The Rice Thresher, Rice University, 6100 Main, Houston, TX 77005-1892, USA.