Freaky jalpt happens

A flurry of unlikely events has taken this campus by storm. Matter of factly, a storm of fishsticks. This is what news is all about folks, fishsticks. Flying through space they came; direct from the Bay, through the processors, and breaded by Mr. Gorton himself. Fishsticks covered the campus.

This was not the only really messed up thing that happened this week. All of Will Rice was shocked to have their teeth turn purple after something turned them purple. "How crazy is that?" asked Doc.

It gets worse. Just wait.

Television has warped the minds of the masses. Bob Truscott wanted it that way. "I will now pick their pockets while they engage in their television watching, " boasted the former Hanszen man. "I was Sammy the Owl once, you know. Fines."

"Jalpt" is a nonsensical word. No really. The Rice Linguistics Department just finished a 21-month project in conjunction with the Universidade de São Paulo in Brazil. After spending $1.3 million in federal grant money, they determined that "jalpt" makes no sense in either language. However, the word is still is suitable for use as an acronym.

Further research may render the word an adjective. Wacky linguist Spike Gildea had this to say: "I think it is a great description for the feeling I get when eating fishsticks so fresh and hot out of the oven that they burn my lips. I just want to yell, `Jalpt!'"

We asked one of the Brazilian linguists for comment on the findings. He could not speak English. But he did accept our offer of a fishstick. As piping-hot as the breaded treat was, he scarfed it down with glee. Taste transcends all cultures.

But what about that storm?

Frankly, this reporter thinks it was a blessing from heaven. Fishsticks. Maybe next week it will snow bulghur wheat and all you vegetarians will love it.

My roomate looks like Tiger Woods. The pizza man said so.

Then again, when was the last time they delivered fishsticks hot to your door? Not after 2 a.m., buster.

Jalpt. I just burnt myself!

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the October 27, 1995 issue.

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