Sinister Red Monkeys move to Student Center. Waste of Space found on BP.

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The Monkeys entered the Student Centa. They were welcomed by Malcom Gillis along with Doc C and The Boys for a brief meeting on their current objectives. Donning Absolut Copyright Violation Rice T-shirts made by some lilybud, they were prepared for whatever the next four days would bring guised as students.

Tuesday met with a raised eyebrow from a few Rice students. Dave Konkel was upset to have lost the Trivial Pursuit contest that night. "I couldn't believe I forgot that the deepest body of water was Maryana's trench. I've never seen any of those freaks before. This freshmen class must know their share of darple facts."

Not everyone was hurt by the Red Monkeys. The RPC had more student guests at their Tuesday meeting then ever before. "After having over one thousand of you tools at Esperanza, exactly 400 more tools than we expected, everyone is in really high spirits. Maybe Rice students really care about what we do." said RPC secretary Josh Warren.

It wasn't until Wednesday that people started to notice a slight change in the happenings at the Student Center. Speedracer Matt Seltzer noted an increase in sales of caffinated coffee and Otis Spunkmeyer cookies right before the health fair. "I noticed an increase in sales of caffinated coffee and Otis Spunkmeyer cookies right before the health fair," yapped Matt Seltzer as he two-fisted some cookies.

The craziness didn't stop there. That night at Sammy's, the monkeys started a food fight with the volleyball, football, and basketball teams. Fifteen cases of Gorton's Fish Sticks were also reported missing, but were later found cooking on Bob Sanborn's big ass Student Centa grill. Jones people were reported to have been seen at the Pub for Jones Pube Night.

In the Board of Governors meeting that Thursday morning, Gillis addressed the initial success of the infiltration mission. "I'm proud of how my boys have been doing, but the main objective of the mission will happen tonight. Only after Pub Night can we examine whether the monkeys will function as the long term revenue maker I dream about every night.

"We've paid off the Thresher staff to put an optical illusion on the front page of the Thresher . While students are momentarily dazed from the illusion, the monkeys will pick their pockets. This differs from the practice sessions over the past few weeks where if a monkey was successful, he placed a real stupid Villa Roma flyer on the victim's door.

"Judging from pub night, we hope to extend the scope with a blitzkrieg on the rich yuppies in the Village. This is the heart of my long-term revenue maker. In a matter of weeks billions of additional revenue will be flooding into the university. In a year or two, the monkeys will engage in their first long-reconnaissance mission, traveling to cash-rich universities to steal from their students. First SMU, then Baylor. With the extra money, tuition will be lowered back to the levels in the 1950s. We will be the best buy in Money Magazine again. Heh, Did you just say what? Aiyeeeeeeeee!"

Basing his theory on the past Simpson's season-finale when Mr. Burns blocks out the sun which forced the residents of Springfield to use electricity generated from the nuclear power plant, it was of course scrutinized by economist, Dr. Yi, here at Rice.

"There are three factors that we have to deal with here. The first of course is the moral issue, but since Rice will derive more utility than any yuppie can from the new Victoria's Secret and Structure in the Village or those Bimmer driving SMU students, it is efficient.

"Next is how much money we can actually steal. The future cost of the project, or the expected interest that could have been generated if the $5.4 billion was kept in a bank, must be exceeded by the flow of money coming in and gaining interest over time. Is it going to take three years or three hundred years?

"Finally we have to take into account how much will be stolen. People carry less M ₁ , or cash, nowadays then they have in the past. I just don't know if this is a sound economic theory. Does it tell a good story? Does Ricardian equivalence hold?" argued Macroeconomics professor Dr.Yi at the meeting.

Nobody knows about this money karfarzan. What? Aiyeeeeeeeeeee!

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the October 27, 1995 issue.

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