It's the Colonel's fault

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"Yup, we've been using lead in some of our products for the last 65 years. However, we've determined that only our chicken contains lead. Our cole slaw and biscuits are completely lead-free! I kinda like the lead, gives the chicken an extra kick!", said KFC CFO Marty Makulski.

Consumer groups, liberals, and Amy Ferranti were outraged at the news that KFC had been lacing their juicy, extra cripy chicken with poison. It came as little surprise to some.

"KFC food is just really bad for you. Every time I eat their chicken I get so tired. One time I went into a coma for 2 days . I thought they had cleaned up their act when they took their homemade asbestos stuffing off the market," whined Amy Ferranti.

To no one's surprise Brown College filed an $8 billion class-action suit against KFC, its parent company PepsiCo, and for good measure Rice University.

"Actually all I want is a one-on-one fight to the death with Colonel Sanders. Man, when I get through with that scary old man, he'll wish he'd never sold me his cursed chicken. Mmmm, chicken," murmured Brown R.A. Dan West.

Colonel Sanders had no comment because he's cryogenically stored in a vault in Chicago. But when he wakes up, whoa -- watch out Dan.

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the October 27, 1995 issue.

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