Insipid `It Takes Two' warms the heart, starves the brain
As in Mary-Kate and Ashley, those vapidly cute blonde children from TV's "Full House." The little nymphs are bad enough in television syndication; a full-length feature film that centers on them is cruel and unusual punishment.
It Takes Two subjects us to just that. Not only do we get hours of that unmistakable Olsen charm, we also get an utterly predictable plot. The movie is reminiscent of that seminal film The Parent Trap . (Not that I'm attacking The Parent Trap . That movie resonated with much of our generation -- then we turned 12.)
This "romantic comedy" (I use the term generously) stars Kirstie Alley and Steve Guttenberg, along with the oh-so-adorable 9-year-olds. I pity adult actors who are upstaged by animals and children the way these two are. At least Alley has "Cheers" in her past; someone in this movie should have a resumé that includes a sitcom that was actually funny.
It Takes Two uses the twins to bring their respective guardians together so that they can fall in love and live happily ever after. Diane Barrows (Alley) is looking for Mr. Right. In the meantime, she's a case worker at an orphanage in New York City. She loves her job and even has a favorite orphan -- 9-year-old Amanda Lemmon (Mary-Kate Olsen). Diane wishes she could adopt Amanda, but the authorities think the kid belongs in a family. Both Amanda and Diane yearn for a family. Doesn't it just warm your heart?
Successful widower Roger Callaway (Guttenberg) dotes on his 9-year-old daughter Alyssa (Ashley Olsen, not that it matters). He's forgetten how peachy romance can be.
Since Daddy's a workaholic, lonely little Alyssa goes to boarding school and spends time with Roger's Italian retainer Vincenzo (Philip Bosco). Dear old dad thinks his baby needs a mother, so he's about to marry the excruciatingly ambitious but child-hating socialite Clarice Kensington (Jane Sibbett).
A series of trite plot devices is necessary to bring Diane and Roger together. Roger, Alyssa and Clarice are spending the summer at the Callaway's cozy little lakeside vacation mansion. It just so happens that Diane, Amanda and the rest of the gang from the East Side Children's Center are spending the summer across the lake at Camp Callaway. It's only a matter of time before the inevitable happens: Amanda encounters Alyssa, and they discover that they look exactly alike.
This leads them to swap identities to bring them the parents they've longed for. Time is of the essence; Clarice is about to drag Roger down the aisle, and Amanda will soon be adopted and separated from Diane.
So Roger and Diane meet and find that magical, mystical, ephemeral love at first sight. But while the new couple wallows in their infatuation, the evil Clarice moves the wedding date up to the very next day.
The precious twins only have 24 hours to turn the grown-ups' plans to chaos. Good thing they don't have longer. This much of the movie is hard enough to sit through. The predictably-happy ending makes us happy only because it means the end to this insipid experience.
The poor script shouldn't come as a huge surprise. Producers James Orr and Jim Cruikshank have an impressive history of writing, directing and producing romantic comedies, including such treasures as Three Men and a Baby and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit .
If you really feel the need to indulge in any of your juvenile regression fantasies, rent The Parent Trap instead. Haley Mills is a goddess compared to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
This item appeared in the Arts & Entertainment section of the November 17, 1995 issue.
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