COLUMN: A heart-to-heart with Mr. Bush

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by Chuck Whitten

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I was thus surprised, when flipping through the sports section, I saw nearly one-fourth of a page discussing the effects of the Astros/Oilers possible exodus on Rice and the University of Houston. The article appeared in a section called "SWC Notebook" and was written by a guy named Jonathan Feigen who apparently writes this section every week and also has a much better picture next to his column than I do.

The column talked to coaches from both universities and discussed how media coverage, corporate investments and fan support might change if the Oilers and Astros moved elsewhere. The article concluded that the exiting teams might open the door for each university to see increases in all three if the programs got stronger in the long run.

I found this discussion intriguing. Could Rice and Cougar High be better off if professional sports were to leave town? Would corporate investments increase? Who is this Jonathan Feigen guy, and why does he get such a nice picture in the paper?

Well, I wandered around campus with these questions burning in my mind. They were the kinds of questions that just eat at you, that make you lose sleep, that distract you so much that you don't work on your column until the day it's due and Tony Tran threatens you with a weapon.

But, as I trudged by Cohen House on Monday, I saw a figure hiding in the bushes sobbing uncontrollably. Moving toward the sound, I found none other than former President George Bush crouched in the dirt during his lunch break from the Baker Institute conference on foreign policy.

Here was my ticket! Bush is a long-time Houston resident and an avid sportsman to boot. Maybe he could shed some light on the effects of the Astros and Oilers leaving town.

Maybe he could predict the long-term effects on corporate investments. Maybe he could tell me how to get a new picture next to my column. After all, aren't politicians adept at predicting future events based on the trends of today?

"What's the matter, Mr. Bush?" I asked, offering him some tissue.

"They served broccoli for lunch just to spite me," he said, drying his eyes. "I tried to throw it across the room, but I hit Colin in the back of his head, and he punched me in the arm. Hard, too."

"I'm sure he didn't mean it," I said. "Say, I was wondering if you could answer some questions about ..."

"What's that building over there?" he asked.

"That's Lovett College, sir."

"What's the matter with it?"

"It's riot-proof. Try to ignore it. Hey, could you tell me what you think the long-term effects of the Astros and Oilers leaving town would be on Rice athletics? Specifically, could you address the possible changes in media coverage, corporate investment and fan support?"

"Son, why are you asking so many questions? I don't like that sneaky look in your eye," Bush replied.

"Well, I write a column for the Thresher , and I have a deadline creeping up and ..."

"Oh! You're that boy with the ugly picture! I knew I recognized you. Sit down here, and let's answer those questions one at a time, shall we?

"First, I doubt that the media coverage would change much. Media folks are usually set in their ways and don't pay attention to diddly. Especially in Houston. Might squeeze in a few more paragraphs about y'all in between the Rogaine and Boot City ads, but I doubt it. They'll be busy covering O.J. and Selena."

"Interesting ..." I offered, impressed with his reasoning. I was beginning to like this guy a lot.

"Secondly, you have to build a program before people will start pouring money into the university. Nobody likes a loser," he said.

"For corporate investments to increase, y'all need to make them think people are coming to watch the games. Otherwise, what good will advertising dollars do `em? The investors will go straight to the market. Right now, the market ain't at Rice games.

"Finally, let's address fan support. Once again, you need to win games. Take Northwestern this year. They couldn't pay people to watch their games before this year. They have, quite possibly, the worst football tradition in the country. They beat Notre Dame, started shaking things up and now are packing 'em in. See what I mean?"

"Yeah," I replied.

"What you guys need to do is air the ball out. Start running razzle-dazzle plays," he said.

"Get a giant TV screen and get some of `dem dancin' girls on the sidelines. People like dancin' girls, and they'll start coming to see you guys play.

"But smoke and mirrors only goes so far. The only way to pack `em in year in and year out is to win. Winning is everything. You payin' attention to me?"

"Yes sir. But I think you have to leave now. I see Secret Service agents looking for you."

"Not gonna do it. I'm not gonna talk any more about foreign policy. I want to talk about sports."

"Well," I said, "I think you better go now. Thanks for answering my questions. Maybe you could be on `Head to Head' in a couple weeks."

"You think so? That would be great. Talk to Tony for me."

I got up to leave, feeling like all my questions had been answered. It all made sense.

Maybe the Astros and Oilers have no effect on the Rice after all. All in all, I felt really lucky to have stumbled on him when I did.

"Say, boy. Good luck on your column this week," Bush offered.

"Thank you sir."

"And try to get a new picture in that paper before you get laughed off the planet."

Smart guy, I concluded, as I walked off.

This item appeared in the Sports section of the November 17, 1995 issue.

Copyright © 1996 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved.
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