COLUMN: Vote Sammy for president in '96

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by Gerald Falchook

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More importantly, Colin has bid us happy trails while he runs off with a thick wad of bills from lucrative royalties for his recently published book, My American Dream.

So, here we are, left with a less than attractive array of candidates.

In the Democrat corner, we have Bill "the Waffle" Clinton, a man with the resiliency of Play-Doh.

In the Republican corner, we have a stunning selection of our nation's most conservative politicians, all National Rifle Association supporters, all pro-life and nobody with a clue about mainstream America.

We need a new candidate to believe in. We need someone new to rally behind. I propose that we send Sammy the Owl to do the job.

Why Sammy? Look, this guy isn't a politician; he isn't even a lawyer. Sammy is one of the guys.

Sammy has a cleaner record than Mr. Rogers. Before we get his campaign underway, I guess we ought to find out a little about our yellow-beaked friend.

First of all, I want to know this: Is Sammy a Democrat or a Republican?

Sammy is a bird, and since elephants and donkeys are both mammals, this may cause a bit of "class" friction.

Neither Republicans nor Democrats would be able to justify to their species-prejudiced constituents their support for a candidate that is below them in the food chain.

I predict that Sammy will run as an independent candidate. Perhaps Ross Perot (a man even farther down in the food chain) will pick him up.

Then there are the issues: abortion, the death penalty, budget spending and Medicare, to name a few.

I was fortunate enough to arrange an interview with Sammy during the A&M game to inquire about such things. When I asked Sammy about these pressing issues, he proudly replied, "Stand and cheer! Drink more beer! Sammy leads the way!"

Shortly afterward, he was escorted out of the stadium, presumably for expressing his nonconformist views on these hot political topics.

Still, I can't help but admire a candidate like Sammy who has shown his supporters that he will fight the establishment by nonviolent means to express his convictions on the vital campaign issues.

And, hey, Sammy would never engage in mud-slinging. No, owls don't have mud to throw. Sammy doesn't need to because he could get his pigeon friends to sling other sorts of undesirable objects at his political opponents.

Wouldn't Sammy look great in the Oval Office?

Can't you imagine Sammy giving a State of the Union Address? Or attending an economic summit? He would be phenomenal!

Break out the banners. Start a campaign fund. Buy lots of balloons. It's about time we get this campaign off the ground. Mark my words: Sammy in '96.

You too can get involved. Send your cash donations via campus mail to Gerald Falchook at Sid Richardson College.

Checks are also accepted. Having taken care of all those necessary details, we are left with only one prominent question to deal with: Whom should Sammy pick as a running mate?

Gerald Falchook is a Sid Richardson College junior.

This item appeared in the Opinion section of the December 1, 1995 issue.

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