COLUMN: Predictions for '96 include `Star Trek Voyeur,' Orgo 13

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by Gerald Falchook

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WHEN 1996 arrived, I was standing in Times Square in New York City. I highly recommend the experience. Really. It is wonderful.

Well, it is wonderful if you are not susceptible to feelings of claustrophobia are at least six feet tall and have an affinity for the fabulous aroma of the average New Yorker's body odor.

You can't understand the Times Square experience without being there.

Four hundred thousand people crowded into a few city blocks in Manhattan. And then, when the ball finally descends, everyone goes nuts.

All around me, people were shouting, yelling, singing, belching and cheering in an intoxicated stupor (some were even vomiting; now there's a way to bring in the New Year).

The lower the ball dropped, the louder the roar of the crowd became.

In the middle of this loud and primitive celebration, a vision came to me. Yes, as the sounds of merriment faded from my hearing, my mind cleared and visions of 1996 were revealed to me.

Here is a list of my predictions for 1996, based on that out-of-body experience:

* First of all, potatoes will become the new health food fad. Medical journals will publish articles with conclusive results that a diet very high in potatoes nearly eliminates chances of developing heart disease later in life and cuts the risk for getting cancer by 95 percent. Potato prices on the open market soar. Idaho, formerly a sorry state with a dragging agricultural economy, quickly becomes the wealthiest state in the Union.

* The low ratings of the "Star Trek Voyager" series will be reversed after the producer reintroduces the series in the fall of 1996 as "Star Trek Voyeur."

Expect lead roles by Cindy Crawford, Pamela Anderson and Brad (Arm) Pitt. This series is a sure bet for winning an Emmy.

* Switzerland, a land ruled by dictators and despots, a home of terrorists, a country scorned by the international community, will invade the peace-loving nation of Libya. Don't ask me how. It will happen.

* Lovett will declare war on Sid. No one at Sid will notice.

* Our government will shut down once again, perhaps twice again, in the new year. Newt Gingrich, who I predict will not run for the presidency (mostly because of the dropping popularity of his TV alias, the Pillsbury Dough Boy), will lead the charge to shut down nearly every vital organ of our government.

He will back down from his political views and compromise with the president and his fellow congressmen only after food shortages caused by the closing of the Department of Agriculture end his daily supply of jelly-filled donuts.

I want to emphasize this vision of mine, the government shutdown. On my way home from New York City, I stopped in D.C. and spent a day there taking in the sights. Of course, everything of any interest was closed.

Everything. I knew something was terribly wrong because I was driving down Pennsylvania Avenue at noon on a Wednesday, and there was virtually no traffic. All of those big pretty government buildings downtown were as empty as the souls of our politicians.

* Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley will have their first child. To no one's surprise, the child will be named Elvis. Unrelated to this event, Michael will come out with a new release: "My Tribute to the Beatles -- Remakes of My Favorite Beatles Songs."

Did you know that Michael Jackson owns the rights to every Beatles song? Even if he doesn't do it this year, Michael is bound to do it someday. Scary thought, if you ask me.

* Organic chemistry Professor Marco Ciufolini will become the official university sponsor of 13. He runs his first 13 on Halloween.

He creates a new, edible shaving cream in his lab and offers to produce it in mass quantities. 13 is never quite the same again.

* Someone famous will die. I can't remember who. Just as this revelation was about to be given, a slap-happy New York drunk yelled "Happy New Year!" in my ear, put his arm around my neck and gave me a noogie. So, be on the lookout: A famous person will die.

* The Democrats will win back Congress by a landslide in the 1996 Congressional elections. Well, okay, I guess that isn't a revelation. It is more like an educated guess. It also qualifies as unfair, insensitive Republican-bashing.

Oh well, do you think I care? I usually vote Democrat anyway.

* In new episodes of "The Simpsons," Bart will live out his life-long dream of pushing Principal Skinner into an Olympic-size pool of douche.

Lisa is inspired by Bart's act of malice. Always the over-achiever, she designs, engineers and mass produces a vile, if not exactly deadly, projectile, appropriately termed a "douche bag," that can be fired with Bart's slingshot.

She, Bart and Milhouse stage a successful suprise attack on the townspeople of neighboring Shelbyville, who mistake them for higher life forms who have arrived to steal their attractive cousins.

* The Energizer(TM) Bunny will finally stop. He will stop dead in his tracks. King Kong will come along and eat him.

I do not claim to be a prophet. These visions simply come to me now and then, especially at moments of great spiritual feeling, like after running a marathon, while climbing an Appalachian mountain or during an especially-needed visit to the restroom.

Welcome to 1996, everybody.

Copyright © 1996 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved.
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