COLUMN: 1996 from A to Z

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by Chuck Whitten

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A new year means a new year in sports. Here are some predictions, reasons to get excited and observations about the upcoming year:

A is for Atlanta and the 1996 Olympics. Look for your favorite NBA players taking time out from their McDonald's endorsements to pound on powerhouse teams like Angola.

B is for blue, as in the gym uniforms here at Rice. The HPER department gives these rags the boot in 1996 and realizes that the facilities get used more when students don't feel degraded.

C is for Cornhuskers, as in the University of Nebraska. The Huskers capture their third championship in a row. It's not the quarterback, folks, it's their offensive line that opens up holes so big that I could rush for 1,000 yards.

D is for the Dallas Cowboys. They win Super Bowl XXX in a blowout.

E is for errors, of which our baseball team at Rice made very few in 1995. We were only two wins from playing in the College World Series last year, proving that there are other competitive teams in the Southwest Conference besides the University of Texas and Texas A&M University.

F is for the Fiddlers, the Oilers' new name when they move to Nashville. Same crappy team, new stupid nickname.

G is for gone, as in what happens to your money when you go to an NFL, NBA or MLB game. Ticket prices continue to soar in '96.

H is for hoops. In case you students didn't notice, Rice upset Texas over break and is now competing for the conference lead. The Owls keep winning big games, stop losing to cupcakes like the University of Houston and get an at-large bid to the NCAA tournament this year.

I is for intramurals. The best part of sports at Rice gets even better in '96. Oh yeah, Wiess wins college basketball.

J is for Jordan. The Bulls give into his $25 million demand this month. The guy is worth the money: He wins games and brings in the bucks.

K is the universities of Kentucky and Kansas. These two play for the national championship in basketball this year. Kentucky wins in overtime.

L is for lawn darts, the craze of the '90s. Watch for the revolution.

M is for merchandising. This year, every professional franchise in professional sports changes its colors to black and gray. Gang members celebrate.

N is for New York City, the worst sports town in America. The Mets pick up where the Jets left off in pitifulness, unathleticism and lack of talent.

O is for Orrange, as in Diana Orrange. This track phenom set the U.S. Olympic Festival triple jump record last year and has a shot at participating in the Olympics. She will be training at Rice.

P is for the Pittsburgh Penguins. NHL champions in 1996.

Q is for quick, as in how fast professional soccer will fold this year. Make the goals 30 yards wide and give the goalkeepers shotguns to attract fans.

R is for rugby, another sport to check out on this campus. The team continues to dominate in 1996.

S is for Sportscenter, the greatest show on TV. It will be there for you again in '96.

T is for twelve, as in the Big Twelve. In its inaugural season, the conference dominates college athletics from wrestling to baseball to football. Does anybody really miss the SWC?

U is for unbeatable, as in the Chicago Bulls this year. Houston is no longer able to work its magic and loses the championship in five games.

V is for Vivarin, which I need to take before watching golf on TV. It's a great sport to play, but I'd rather jab out my own eye with a fork.

W is for Western Athletic Conference. The Thresher sends me to the University of Hawaii this year to cover the Rainbows, one of our new conference foes.

Y is for yikes. People will say this in 1996 when they look at my column picture. Thresher hierarchy still denies my request for a new photo.

Z is for zero, as in the number of Houston residents who will miss the Oilers and Bud Adams this year.

Copyright © 1996 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved.
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