(Real) Letters from Prison Misclass '96

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In is not uncommon for prisoners to solicit pen pals in collegiate publications. These letters are printed with minimal editing. If you choose to respond, please do so with respect.

Dear Editor,

I am currently incarcerated on Arizona's Death Row.

I've been locked in 100% isolation for the past eight years. Life in isolation and being incommunicado is drag to say the least! I've been desperately seeking outside correspondence to no avail. I was wondering if you could PLEASE help me in obtaining some friendly correspondence and please print the following personal ad for me in your campus newspaper as I'm obviously indigent and unable to afford a personal ad.

I would greatly appreciate any help you might extend to me. Thank You! And have a Nice Day!

Sincerely,

Thomas Paul West

ON DEATH ROW, NEED MAIL yesterday! Single white male, 35, 170 lbs. Brown/black hair, hazel eyes, 5'8", would love to receive mail from interesting people. Ask whatever your lil' ole heart desires, I'll aways be 100% honest with you! Can you handle that? I'm a happy go unlucky, lonely dude. I love puppy dogs, kids, hard rock music and hip people that understand that today is the first day of the rest of our lives and that opportunity does not come knocking at your door, it shows up in your mailbox! Here's your opportunity to introduce yourself.

Please write to:

Thomas Paul West #6878,

Arizona State Prison

PO Box 8600

Florence Arizona 95232

Dear Editor ,

I am currently incarcerated in Louisiana on a drug offense. I am involved in a rehabilitation program that requires that I talk to the public on issues such as Religion, Politics, and Social Behavior.

The idea of the program is to talk to educated citizens to try and gain an understanding as to where I made my mistakes and what I can do to change them.

Once I fully understand what led me to make the wrong decisions, I can then work towards a way to choose the right choices.

The first step of the program is to accept all responsibility for my actions and try to make amends to society. I've taken this step to heart and would really appreciate your help.

I'm asking for you to place following add in your student newspaper. If you have any questions about the program or need any additional information, please contact me. If you're unable to do it please let me know:

27 YEAR-OLD MALE seeks correspondence on such issues as Religion, Politics, and Social Behavior ...

Larry Jordan

130542 PCC HC-3

DeQuincy, LA 80633

Sincerely, Larry Jordan

ode to egyptian cattle

(dedicated to our herbivorous president for her pilgrimage to Egypt)

cow, oh beautiful cow

how you make me meow.

for when i see your belly waggling in sun

i realize how good you'd taste on a bun.

bull, oh egyptian bull

did cleopatra have her full? (she had strange sexual habits, you know)

oh it doesn't matter anyway

you'd still make a great picnic in may.

egyptian roadrunner with rubber legs and polka dotted ears, oh egyptian

roadrunner with rubber legs and polka- dotted ears

has the coyote taken time from your vital years?

it doesnt matter though if he's had

any luck

b/c by the time you reach my belly, you won't even be able to buck.

egyptian vegetables, oh egyptian vegetables

why do you exist?

for when you arrive on my table

i get very pissed. (please excuse my language, i usually don't like that

word but it just rhymed so well)

Penned by a devoted carnivore dedicated to spreading the gospel of gluttony.

-- We know you wrote it, Munford.

Look you dipshit American, in Canada, when we say a sheep has a nice ass, all it means is `I like the color of its wool.'"

-- From the Lovett Commons.

"So I said to the class, what if I put my hand in the [sample] bag and get a pair of blue balls?"

-- Dr. Ensor, STAT 280.

"If you want to get a good grade in this class, you have to laugh at my jokes ... no really, I'm serious."

-- Dr. Ostick, POLI 335.

"Consider, say ... dragons. Dragons are outside human nature. So they would be alien."

-- Overheard in Fondren, 2nd floor, 12-1-95, 4:24 p.m.

Glad to know that you know that your watch is in good repair. Too bad you aren't funny.

-- The BPEs

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the January 26, 1996 issue.

Copyright © 1996 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved.
This document may be distributed electronically, provided that it is distributed in its entirety and includes this notice. However, it cannot be reprinted without the express written permission of:
The Rice Thresher, Rice University, 6100 Main, Houston, TX, 77005, USA.