Bitter cold weather: Was it a conspiracy?

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Cold weather passed through Houston this past weekend. And that was about the only thing going at 6100 Main. Yup, with all that freezing cold weather there was nothing happening on our beautiful Rice campus.

We have several theories about the weather. Probably all of them are wrong, but if they were correct, we would call them "cold weather facts."

Theory One:

Have you noticed how the Student Center is taking over Rice? Today the campus, tomorrow the world.

Years ago, we called the Rice Memorial Center, "RMC." Then the "Ley Student Center" wing was added. Do you know what students began to call the RMC after the addition?

"RMC." No changes.

But now the folks in the RMC want you to call it the "Student Center." Forget the Rice people who died for their country. Forget the philanthropic Ley family. Welcome to the Rice Student Center, or the Rice Memorial Cult.

What does this have to do with weather? If they can change the name of the Ley Student Center with unofficial disregard, who's to say that the weather is not their secret doing too?

Theory Two:

The Arctic Orchard guy, Greg Waldorf, decided that he could sell more smoothies. He proposed that if you are cooling down your insides with a smoothie, you'll better match the freezing temperatures outside.

Brilliant idea. We recommend Polar Peach.

Theory Three:

The Campus Police . Been solving crimes around campus, have they? That is what they want you to think. Getting Alberto Youngblood to confess to burning down the Pub ... WTF? Alberto was in Packy's HPER class freshman year, so we know he never could have done it.

So how did he know so much about it? Tony Tran , the real criminal, told him all about it. With his "family connections," Tony promised all sorts of glory to Alberto if he would take the fall. Tony also struck a deal with the Campos to "take it easy on Alberto." We all know that it didn't happen that way.

Not to say that the Campos are incompetent or evil. In fact, they are crafty and ingenious. The Rice Campos brought on the cold. Why?

Because cold weather equals less crime.

Less crime equals more time on the Macs in MUDD lab. More time on the Macs equals a better homepage for their kids' Cub Scout Troops.

Theory Four:

Atheists . What else would get God really pissed? Most holy books will tell you that the greatest sin of all is the denial of God's existence.

And maybe you atheists are more intellectual than the rest of us ... but as mom always said, going from the warm house to the cold outdoors and back will get you sick.

Now that Houston is freezing, the trip to hell will give you a cold. Next time, have a little faith.

Theory Five:

A cold front . Because we heard it from the unreliable Houston weathermen, this is probably the most unlikely. Would you believe this? A low pressure front with chilling winds dipped into the South. Then it got really cold. Sure, and I am Tony19.

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the February 9, 1996 issue.

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