COLUMN: A sport for the intelligentsia

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by Chuck Whitten

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Rice is a great place to be if you are an avid sports fan. On a typical spring Saturday afternoon, students can see baseball, basketball, lacrosse, rugby and swimming without paying a dime or traveling anywhere by car.

Furthermore, by participating at the Division-I level, Rice fans get the opportunity to see some of the best players in the country competing on or against Owl teams.

However, as an avid sports fan, I sometimes get the desire to see exotic and less familiar sports. This urge for adventure gnaws at my insides like a Sammy's tuna melt and forces me to journey outside the hedges in search of something unique.

Whether I view dwarf tossing or jell-o wrestling, the little sportsman inside of me won't rest until I appease him.

It was this "little Chuck" that drove me to the Astrodome to see the United States Hot Rod Association Red Man All-American Pulling World Championships, or U.S.H.R.A.R.-M.A.P.W.C. I know that many of you are sitting there saying, "Hey! Aren't tractor-pulls only for the intelligentsia?" Well, you couldn't be more wrong. Even people as dumb as me can enjoy tractor- pulls, although I had to have the proceedings explained to me three or four times.

I asked the man at the gate if the wording "All-American" and "World Championships" was a bit of a contradiction, and he asked me if I were some kind of communist. I replied the negative and scurried up to my $5 seat.

The first thing you notice at tractor pulls is that there is a dress code. I guess I didn't read the sign at the door that said, "All spectators are required to wear tight jeans, giant belt buckles and either display the confederate flag or George Strait on their T-shirts."

At this particular event, there were four different classes of tractors, ranging from go-carts with hoods to tractors big enough to pick up and move Hanszen College to South America. As a bonus for race fans, there was monster truck jumping in between rounds.

Unfortunately, the jumping was only an exhibition and thus did not count in the official "World Monster Truck Jumping" standings. Upon being told this, all race fans gave a collective sigh and headed for the beer stands.

Fans at tractor pulls are forced to make a crucial decision at the beginning of the festivities. You can either root for Ford or Chevy, or for your favorite beer.

Alas, since Shiner Bock did not sponsor a car, I opted to support Chevy. I remember back in high school when I used to sit in my 1984 Chevy Celebrity station wagon thinking, "I bet this thing could pull a lot of weight." Such thoughts tended to insure that my transmission would fall out onto the road immediately, as if to mock my thinking process.

The racing went on and on. I didn't follow the action too closely but was assured by the public address announcer that what I was witnessing was "very, very exciting." The public address announcer also helped to fill the time between pulls by saying things like, "The only two things that racing fans agree on is The Red Man All-American World Pulling Championships and Red Man chewing tobacco."

However, he was proved wrong by another comment later in the evening when he said, "I just wanted to let you know that there are no cars here from Tennessee." At that moment, the entire Astrodome crowd dropped their beers and cheered wildly. I guess race fans also are unified in their hatred of Tennessee.

The monster truck jumping was dominated by Bigfoot. At first, I thought that Bigfoot was all hype and was not really the best of the monster trucks. Yet, time and time again Bigfoot spat in the faces of critics such as me by jumping 20 yards further than the nearest competitor.

I'm not sure what technological advantage Bigfoot has, but the other trucks seemed unable to figure out Bigfoot's secret of success. I nearly bought a Bigfoot T-shirt on the way out, but I figured my mom would probably want something else for her birthday.

The jumping ended on a beautiful note. The Texas Tornado suffered a flat tire after its second jump, apparently assuring the Green Monster second place behind Bigfoot. However, the Green Monster lent the Texas Tornado its spare tire. This was true sportsmanship.

I left with an aching in my heart, possibly caused by Red Man chewing tobacco, but I like to think that the Green Monster had something to do with it.

This item appeared in the Sports section of the February 23, 1996 issue.

Copyright © 1996 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved.
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