Backpage Campus Tour

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Hey Owls -- the Admissions Office is turning this campus into a place of lies! Fortunately, the fearless Backpage editors are here to translate the campus tour for you. Don't believe the hype, wee ones.

LIES!

The four faces on the Sallyport represent the giddy freshman, the serious sophomore, the solemn junior and the stately senior. The senior is sad about having to depart the beautiful vistas of Rice after four glorious years.

William Marsh Rice died on Sept. 23, 1900. The cause of death was chloroform poisoning. He was murdered by his butler in a daring attempt to steal his inheritance, which was to be used in the founding of the Rice Institute.

Recently, Chemistry Department Professor Richard Smalley discovered Buckminsterfullerene (a.k.a.the Bucky Ball). Smalley won the prestigious Welch Award, second only to the Nobel Prize, for his discovery of this form of carbon. Bucky Balls are forms of carbon which look like soccer balls.

The sculpture in the engineering quad is entitled "45, 90, 180." It was a gift from the children of the Brown family in memory of their parents. The slabs were dug out of a quarry in Austin and were so wide that the highways between Houston and Austin had to be closed for their transportation. Lots of people like to sunbathe on "180." Oftentimes, classes are held on it. The sculpture integrates art with science, much like Rice does.

The unique architecture of Lovett College is a result of the era in which it was constructed. Completed in 1968, the design was in response to the atmosphere of protest around the nation's colleges. The purpose of the concrete grid enclosing a majority of the floors was to make it "riot proof" by preventing students from throwing furniture or other objects from the balconies.

Rice University, due to the presence of the remains of three people on its campus, is the largest cemetery in Texas.

In compliance with the laws of the state of Texas, Rice University will not sell, serve or provide alcoholic beverages to any student or other individual below the legal minimum age.

TRUTH!

The four faces on the Sallyport actually represent the four stages of women at Rice. The freshman who gets play and free beer at will is transformed into the bitter senior, stretched out like an old golf bag and shunned by all except Bob Truscott.

William Marsh Rice is alive and is now the master of Hanszen College. Take Dr. Huston, add a few pounds to his scrawny frame, chisel off a layer of crust and throw some hair on him. Put him next to Willy's statue and you have twins.

Bucky Balls were actually discovered underneath the Chemistry Lecture Hall in Valhalla, the graduate student pub. Four Chem grad students made the discovery after downing a few $0.40 pitchers of Lone Star. Smalley took their idea and published it in a paper entitled, "They said balls . Heh, heh, heh."

The three rocks in the engineering quad were purchased by Rice's Honor Council as public execution and torture facilities. Those caught cheating on any Rice exam are publicly tortured and hung on 180, while 45 and 90 are reserved for stretchings and thumbscrew demonstrations for those caught illegally parking in the RMC lot. Oftentimes, classes sit on top of "180" and bathe in the bloodshed that is the Rice Honor Council.

Actually, Lovett was constructed with the intention it would be Rice's "House O' Freaks." It contains all the nutballs who might one day end up on top of Fondren with a rifle and a "chemical imbalance." The concrete grid was installed in the hopes the residents would feel trapped, panic and kill each other off. If you are crazy or a homicidal maniac, you'll be assigned to Lovett.

Texas A&M, due to the presence of thousands of brain-dead, redneck vegetables called "Aggies," is the largest cemetery in Texas.

This would be true -- if the legal age were 12. If you're having trouble getting booze, take off the police uniform and try again. Or, you could always mooch off the BPEs on Pub Night.

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the April 19, 1996 issue.

Copyright © 1996 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved.
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The Rice Thresher, Rice University, 6100 Main, Houston, TX 77005-1892, USA.