BACKPAGE HOROSCOPE

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 -- Feb. 18) You are going to fail your orgo final. Knowing that you will now never get into medical school and are a failure in life, you will go to Sid in order to "make like a couch and fly." The balcony doors will be locked. You will decide to go to CAPP counseling, and they will tell you that you are hopeless and hand you a loaded pistol.

PISCES (Feb. 19 -- March 20) You are pathetic and sad. You sit up playing Mortal Kombat until two in the morning in order to create a new world in which you don't suck. This week, you will try to go to a party and the rugby team will puke on you. Don't complain, or they'll kick your ass.

ARIES (March 21 -- April 19) You will prepare a delicious quiche dish for your roommates. People will come from miles around to sample the tasty dish. The immense attention and fame will go to your head. You will become an asshole. Betty Crocker will challenge you to a bake-off and beat your ass silly. Serves you right, you cocky bastard.

TAURUS (April 20 -- May 20) You will be falsely accused of an honor code violation that your roommate actually committed. He will testify that you not only cheat, but that you are an obsessive pet molester. Caroline Gill will make you cry.

GEMINI (May 21 -- June 20) Good news! She's not pregnant after all. You start buying condoms from the vending machine at Fondren.

CANCER (June 21 -- July 22) Quit touching yourself in Chem Lec, you sick-o. If I wanted to watch someone play pocket pool, I'd go to Brown. Furthermore, your lectures are barely audible. Stop facing the chalkboard when you speak.

LEO (July 23 -- Aug. 22) Don't you think it's about time you lost those love handles, fatty? The people from Central Kitchen are the only ones on this campus who can stand you, and only because you'll shovel whatever shit they put on your plate into your big mouth.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 -- Sept. 22) I love you, baby. Oh yeah, right there, sweetie. Oh ... oh ... oh yeah. You CCCers are the best, man, just the best. Oh God, oh God, oh God, AMEN! I've seen the light! Towel me off, but don't get any on the holy book.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 -- Oct. 22) Looks, brains, talent and a killer sense of humor -- these are only some of the traits with which you are blessed. Unless, of course, your name is Ric Lopez, because then you're just fat. But for the rest who fall under the sign of Libra, luck is on the way. Just beware of Pisces and Truscott -- both wankers, both dangerous.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 -- Nov. 21) You find out that your mother is a slut. Before you start crying, just remember that some people don't even have moms.

SAGITARIUS (Nov. 22 -- Dec. 21) You die.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 -- Jan. 19) You die ... slowly.

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the April 26, 1996 issue.

Copyright © 1996 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved.
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