1995 - 1996 Year in Review

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August

The class of 1999 was welcomed in high style with the usual festivities of O-Week. Jacks were the center of attention as Jones College set fire to the Brown College Commons and Sid Richardson College wired Lovett College with 40 pounds of plastic explosives in order to "turn it into a giant, flaming ball of utter destruction." Not to be outdone, residents of Will Rice College headed outside the hedges to hold up several convenience stores in a move Malcolm Gillis lauded as "indicative of Rice's commitment to reach out to the community." Willy's Pub reopened, promising Rice students a, "tasty alternative to healthy living" In campus news, the Campus Police announced its intent to spend $1.1 million to beef up security measures by purchasing several ground-to-air missile defense systems.

September

Nothing really funny happened in the month of September. The Backpage ran some squirrel misclass depicting the graphic beating and subsequent arm amputation of a girl squirrel by her would-be boyfriend. Some people became upset at this and wrote in to complain about the "rape imagery." People are stupid. Oh yeah, and Alberto Youngblood got arrested in September. That was pretty cool.

October

We went to NOD while you were studying. Don't worry, though ... it will all be worth it when you land that 15-grand-a-year consulting job. New parking regulations went into effect simplifying the existing parking system. The rule is this: "Whatever spot Chief Voswinkel wants, she gets. If there's a car already there, it is stripped and set on fire." Appeals now go to the office of Up Your Whiny Little Ass located somewhere in the abyss of Fondren.

November

Pete Marketos lost out to Rice's "wealth and power" and had to pay Rice $40,000 in expenses. Outraged students organized a spontaneous rally in support of Marketos. The rally later fell through when one of the two outraged students, Stephe Gallagher, was arrested for something other than peeing in the Wiess College washing machines. Several grad students armed with semi-automatic weapons took over the Jones School of Business and began calling it "the separate, sovereign nation of Tomtom." The graduate students here do heavy drugs and listen to Marilyn Manson and I don't like them. Munford also did something embarassing.

December

Rice has its homecoming and final SWC football game ever. Winning the honor of queen was Emma Hutchinson after Dr. Hutchinson promised his CHEM 101 class he'd give everyone who voted for her an A. Winning king was Bob Truscott, who was severely beaten by the occupants of the Wiess five-man after he put the moves on Emma. In financial matters, the IRS audited Rice and many of its student organizations. Dean Currie told the Thresher that the audit is a standard procedure and that his use of university funds to hire call girls "is tax deductable since I always have them come back to my office. It's a legitimate business expense."

January

The blue smurfs were all over campus this month. I chopped up the little blue bastards screaming, "Die, you muppets! Die, I say!" I used a special tool I made in Ryon Lab. I'm a BPE and I got a license to kill. In other news, the O-Week advisory committee proposed a one-year ban on jacks. The committee also put a one-year restriction on "having fun" during O-Week. Committe co-chair Ryan Levy said, "This is Rice. If you want have fun, go to UT or someplace else." Neil Binford wrote out his New Year's resolutions, including his wish to "become Sarah Nelson Crawford's sugar-daddy." Munford did something stupid in January.

February

It was Valentine's Day. Young lovers walked hand in hand through the quad. Guys shelled out $100 for a dozen roses to give to their girlfriends. Hallmark and Russell Stover raked in millions for another holiday that has been completely commercialized by "The Man." And lonely freshman males sat in their rooms pulling dirty pictures off the Internet. Oh, and February had an extra day. Yippee.

March

Maryana Iskander won re-election as SA president by promising to "spread happiness and goodness, punish evil and get all smoked up before every Pub Night." Wiess College, after being jerked around by the administration for years regarding renovation, crumbled to the ground. The Red Cross set up a refugee camp on Gillis' lawn. Jones and Brown trained hard all year and won Beer Bike; the other seven colleges got hammered. Truscott's bosses started taking the Backpage seriously because they're imbeciles.

April

The one-year anniversary of Alberto Youngblood's revenge on the Pub for "not understanding him" took place. Hey, Al! We understand you now -- you're a pyromaniacal freak! Feel better, jailbait? Next time, pick on buildings your own size. It was also Owl Day, and a record number of freshman males hooked up as a result; congrats boys. Rice also introduced its Strategic Plan for the next billion years. In the plan is CK's menu, and guess what campers -- lentil patties and turkey pucks forever! It also has future tuition projections which place Rice back in Money's top spot for Best College Buy . For you graduates who want to send your kids to Rice, it will cost a mere $2.2 million.

May

Thousands of naked hermaphrodites marched across campus to protest National Gender Awareness Day (sponsored by SCAB, who showed The Crying Game in Farnsworth). Of course, no students noticed because they were all holed up in Fondren trying to do a semester's reading in the 8 hours before their finals. Seniors who were done early annoyed stressed-out underclassmen. Bob Truscott went over the BPE's rooms with a white glove and fined them each $5,000. The note at the bottom of the fine said, "Paybacks are a bitch. Love, Bobby and Liz." The class of 1996 graduated -- and the beat goes on ...

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the May 17, 1996 issue.

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