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ONLINE 25-FEB-00 Rice also sucks for us wannabe sports stars Commentairy by SUNIDH JANI Sunidh Jani Want to start a conversation with a complete stranger? Talk about sports. Want to stir up a debate with your friends? Argue about sports. Want to prove your superiority over someone? Challenge them to a sport. Want to be able to rub it in someone else's face? Beat them at a sport. We are inundated everyday by sports. Some of us read it and write it, talk it and watch it, live by it and die by it. But the greatest thing about sports is that even if you don't give a damn about a particular team, you may very well love playing a sport. Most people on this campus have played some sort of organized sport, be it Little League baseball, youth soccer, pick-up basketball or varsity track. While some (the scholarship, or "real" athletes) have accumulated some semblance of success at the sport(s) they have grown to love, the rest of us "fake" athletes either flaunt our endless wealth of talent on the intramural fields and student-officiated courts or have stopped playing altogether. Regardless of athletic category though, most who have at least tried to play something enjoy watching sports. But athletes - both "real" and "fake" - have it extraordinarily tough at this university. Why? Because the most celebrated, anticipated and publicized athletic event on this campus is more of a circus sideshow than a real sporting competition. Yes, I'm talking about our very own perversion of March Madness - Beer-Bike. From the wee hours of the morning to at least mid-afternoon, almost every member of this university is cheering, drinking and dancing, proudly displaying college spirit while making a fool of himself. And exactly whom are they supporting? Not any one of our hundreds of student-athletes, but 20 people from their own respective colleges, 10 of whom can drink very quickly and 10 of whom can ride a bike without falling over. This doesn't surprise me one bit. After all, we go to a strange university with different rules and different priorities. But even though I too think Beer-Bike is quite possibly the most fun day on campus, we "athletes" have had enough. Here are some reasons that explain why: Five things missing from opening day at Reckling Park: 5. Being able to sit right over either dugout so I can heckle the players and they can actually hear me. 4. Being able to use my meal card to pay for my high-priced hot dog and soda. 3. The hill. Yeah, they've tried to make a pseudo-hill, but it just ain't cutting it. 2. The Rice offense. At least the boys have started to turn it around, though. 1. The crowd after the third inning. In case some of you didn't realize, most games last at least nine innings. Five exciting things to do if you're a "fake" athlete: 5. Dodge speeding cars while running across the middle of Main Street. Sorry, but construction has shut down a chunk of the Outer Loop. 4. Find a field to play on. With the building of the new Wiess College, there are now just four fields for at least a dozen sports. 3. Combat the swarms of mosquitoes on the rugby pitch. What the hell kind of fertilizer do they have there, anyway? 2. Try to do anything on the intramural fields between 3 and 5 p.m., when the sun conveniently sets right in your face. 1. Try to learn the alternative Rice IM rules, which seem to contradict the "real" rules in just about every controversial situation. So far, I've learned about ground rule triples and foul balls that don't actually have to land in foul territory. Five ways to make people as excited about a sporting event as they are about Beer-Bike: 5. Sell cheap T-shirts with vulgar, beer-related slogans. 4. Hold it just once a year and publicize it till our ears fall off. 3. Let "fake" athletes have a go every now and then. 2. Give away free beer. A can't-miss. 1. Make sure everyone's plastered before the event even begins. That way, we'll just yell and scream for no reason whatsoever. And maybe, just maybe, it'll seem like we actually care. Sunidh Jani is a Sid Richardson College junior. - back - Search the Thresher pages: Enter your search terms: Copyright © 2000 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved. This document may be distributed electronically, provided that it is distributed in its entirety and includes this notice. However, it cannot be reprinted without the express written permission of: The Rice Thresher, Rice University MS-524, PO Box 1892, Houston, TX 77251-1892, USA. The Thresher Online Project -- ethresh@listserv.rice.edu