Listen to the sound of falling admissions standards
Artist's Rendition of the Disguised Genius
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A certain Jones College sophomore wore a mustache to Jones Caveman College Night last Friday and was having a great time partying. Unfortunately, later in the evening, the EMS was called to the scene. No, he wasn't on the verge of an alcohol-induced coma or missing a limb. Actually, he just needed assistance removing the disguise from his upper lip since it was attached with superglue. SUPERGLUE. And he wasn't even drunk when he applied the industrial strength adhesive to his sweet tender flesh.
In spite of the EMTs' best efforts, they failed to remove the offending item and consequently were forced to call the POISON CONTROL HOTLINE (too bad there wasn't a Mr. Yuck sticker on the SUPERGLUE). The highly trained hotline operators offered the following advice: "Sleep it off, jackass." And so Jeff - oops, we mean the Jones sophomore - retired to bed.
The next morning, he had to go, mustachio'd, to a meeting with Jones master Rick Barrera and some of his prestigious faculty pals. Like the wise sages they are, the professors expanded upon the advice from the hotline: "Perhaps the superglue has penetrated through several layers of skin, jackass."
After multiple applications of acetone later that day, he finally managed to remove the mustache using a KNIFE.
Note to President Gillis: Maybe it's time to call back all those kids with perfect SAT scores that you rejected.
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