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The Rice Thresher
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You've seen the commercials: footballs fired by cannons, footballs on fire, footballs tearing people's limbs off. Yes, folks, the XFL is on its way. I'm still not sure if that's a good or bad thing. The first time I saw the ads flash across NBC, I spent a good while trying to decide if the whole thing was some kind of joke. I mean, come on. A league founded by Vince McMahon, owner of the WWF? What respectable football fan would be caught paying any heed to a league full of wrestlers and actors? Does NBC really expect such a farce to compete with the NFL? Many scenarios ran through my mind. I saw the XFL season opener unfold before my eyes. Starting quarterbacks would cast spells on their opponents in effigy. Defensive backs would remove their velvet robes and raise championship belts in the air. A 330-pound lineman would run out into 15-degree December weather with nothing but a spandex Speedo barely visible under his flapping rolls of fat. Imagine the penalty for a false start. Instead of marching the ball back five yards, the hulking line judge would club the offending player over the head with a chair and scream incoherent insults at the bloodied lineman. Of course, there would be retribution for such insolence, and a fracas would ensue while the "Oh-line Posse" went head to head with the "Killer Zebras" until they ran out of break-away tables. Out-of-bounds would be marked by elastic red, white and blue ropes to enable players to execute their patented death moves on opponents. But then I decided it would only be fair to do a little homework before casting aside this new league as a sports mockery. Surprisingly, I found myself looking forward to the XFL season, if only out of curiosity. It is true that, for the most part, the XFL is a project founded and funded by McMahon. I understand this may make sports fans uneasy. But this millionaire's ability to build an empire gives the league a strong chance of financial success and stability. The first weekend of XFL football is scheduled for the first weekend after the Super Bowl, when appetites for violence are at their peak. Wisely, the schedule does not overlap with the NFL. Instead, it provides a supplement to a football fan's diet for full-contact sports. Rest assured, this will not be the WWF on a football field. The XFL will be a competitive sport. Besides the fact that it would be hard to script highlight reels, McMahon has maintained the XFL will be legit, while he has openly admitted the WWF is for entertainment. However, at its foundation the XFL is still a child of the WWF, so don't delude yourself as to its professionalism. The WWF's influence will definitely be felt, with XFL players being encouraged to openly express their emotions on the field. The sideline action will be brought straight to the viewer, courtesy of faceguard mikes and helmet cameras. To bring the excitement of the WWF to the football field, the XFL will be getting rid of such sissy (and injury-saving) rules as in-the-grasp or fair catches. And don't forget the big-breasted women. Now that the initial ad campaign of gore and violence is drawing to a close, the XFL is unleashing its new line of ads exclusively featuring shapely, scantily-clad women. While this will certainly appeal to the target audience of 15-35 year-old men, it will not exactly help dispel rumors of the league's illegitimacy. So where does that leave us? The XFL won't be a bunch of spandex-clad wrestlers gallivanting around a football field, but it's never going to earn the same respect in the sports world as the NFL, NHL or NBA. Though the XFL must still prove itself, I'm confident that it will surprise a lot of people. Besides a fan base of 20 million WWF watchers, the XFL will be able to draw a good portion of NFL fans wanting some more action to whet their appetites. Only time will tell whether it becomes a legitimate sport that can hold its own or deteriorates into something vaguely resembling Battle Dome. Ryan Keedy is a Hanszen College sophomore.
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