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Sexual Harassment
At this very moment, I am filing a sexual harassment lawsuit against Rice University for every cent in that fat endowment.
Everyday when I walk from Wiess to the RMC, I have to look at that monstrous phallic crane and that large vagina pit where the visitor parking lot is currently being erected. (Yeah, erected!)
You think I'm blind? How dare you, Dr. Gillis. It is awful that my virgin eyes have to be tainted by this overtly sexual construction site everyday. I have contacted my parents, who are going to sue the hell out of you, Gil-dog. Maybe that'll wipe that big, red smile off your face, you pervert.
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The Pigeon & The Squirrel
I hate the animals around here so much. The pigeons here act like they're so cosmopolitan and the squirrels are fatter than the trailer trash on Jerry Springer. Seriously, dude, the squirrels here are enormous. Well, I'm tired of my tuition supporting their laziness. Fuck squirrel welfare and those city pigeons. And so it is that I have organized an underground Ultimate Fighting circuit between the fat squirrels and those biatch pigeons. Razor blades will be strapped to the beaks and paws of the animals. Gladiators who survive the arena will be fed poisoned acorns or seeds. If by the grace of God, a chosen squirrel or pigeon survives the burning death of the toxins, then I will sell it to a lonely homeless person who desires the companionship of something other than crack cocaine.
We'll call it the "Dirty Birds for Dirty Drugs" program. William Shatner can write a song about it. Either way we'll get those biatches off our campus.
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Cheers
It is my personal belief that the cheers at this university are not offensive enough. When I showed up as a freshman, I had definitely heard all of those swear words by the sixth grade, and I had heard them used in infinitely more offensive ways. How come Lovett doesn't have a cheer about rimjobs? Where is Baker's tribute to the Dirty Sanchez? What sounds funnier to you? Team Wiess or Team Donkey Punch? Perhaps if the colleges used more innovative and sexually explicit swear words, Orientation could be more of an educational experience for all those kids who always sat at the front of the school bus.
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Beer-Bike
I have several problems with Beer-Bike. My biggest complaint is that it's entirely too safe. What we should be driving around the Inner Loop are monster trucks, which have the potential to be so much more dangerous than those pathetic flatbed trucks.
What are you gonna do with one of those, break somebody's foot? Please.
It should also be a rule that the drivers have to drive backwards while they're completely shitfaced.
Drivers should also be awarded points for running over bikers and those dorks that hand out fines. Headshots should be highly encouraged. If your ear bleeds - it bleeds.
The final rule is that Wiess College gets Grave Digger, the best monster truck of all time.
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