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ONLINE
08-DEC-00
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The Backpage in 30 minutes or less. We guarantee it!
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At the SA meeting, Josh Katz - ostensibly the hottest college president on campus - shows off his incredible manual dexterity by proving he can raise his hand and pat his tummy at the same time, even with his eyes closed. 10!
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Note from the BPEs: This was a bad week. With Sarah spearheading the KTRU revolution and Mark busy as always fending off hordes of lust-crazed Backpage groupies, there was precious little time left to devote to hard-hitting journalism. We were determined, however, to present to you the best material we could in our spare half-hour. So what if we blew up a photo and drew our own graphics? Like you've never used Courier New to hit that five-page minimum.
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KTRU protests Rage Against the Machine benefit concert for KTRU
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Stunningly detailed rendition of Rage brought to you in 90 seconds by Sarah.
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Popular, politically minded rock band Rage Against the Machine contacted KTRU management late last night offering to stage a benefit concert that would call attention to the station's plight. "What better place than here? What better time than now?" asked lead singer Zack de la Rocha. However, KTRU staff declined the offer, saying Rage Against the Machine was too commercial and overexposed to be associated with the educational mission of the station. Instead, the station has accepted an offer from Spoiled Milk/Dead Cat, an esoteric group unknown for their flop single "Hey Hey It's the Vegetable Man!" According to Soundwaves employee Phil, the band's pre-bankruptcy album "A Musical Tribute to the Sally Field Classic: Not Without My Daughter" just went aluminum, selling more than 15 copies.
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Apathy: 1968-2000
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The Rice community bid farewell to one of its most prominent and venerable members last week with the sudden demise of Apathy.
"When I heard the news, I was like, whoa, man, that sucks," Will Rice College senior and slacker extraordinaire Zack Allison said. "Apathy was just cool to have around, you know? Real chill, real laidback, didn't let much bother him."
Other students were similarly devastated by the departure of their dear friend. "The hardest part of this loss was how unexpected it was," Sid Richardson College senior Fernando Acosta said. "I saw Apathy a few weeks ago and he was doing so well. I mean, the biggest cokehead fratboy ever was poised to assume control of our entire nation, and Apathy was just being so levelheaded. He convinced us it was nothing to worry about."
University administrators were apparently also very surprised to learn of Apathy's death. "When students responded so violently to the KTRU shutdown, I immediately knew something was wrong. Sure enough, I learned soon afterward that Apathy was dead," President Malcolm Gillis said. "At first I was skeptical about admitting him. He wasn't very involved in high school activities. He wasn't even a National Merit Scholar. But he turned out to be exactly the type of student that I like to see at Rice."
Members of the faculty also expressed sorrow. "He didn't really exert much effort in my class," James Tour, professor of organic chemistry, said. "But at least he didn't constantly pester me with questions about the MCAT like those frickin' pre-meds."
Last year, Apathy was crowned Rice homecoming prince by the student body. It was a telling gesture of his vibrant presence on campus . . . even if he didn't seem to care.
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