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ONLINE
26-JAN-01
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Find the Rice hook-up hot spot that's right for you!
With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, it's time to start planning a romantic rendezvous with that special person in your life (sorry Comp Sci majors, Lara Croft doesn't count). Unfortunately, the pressure of schoolwork and extracurricular obligations often make it difficult to get off campus; moreover, many students lack automotive transportation, making that candlelit dinner at Taco Cabana a nearly impossible fantasy. However, it has come to our attention here at the Backpage that you don't need to venture beyond the hedges to find the perfect love nest. Our lush, wooded campus offers a plethora of cozy locales ideal for some sweet, sweet lovin'.
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FONDREN STUDY ROOM
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The anal pre-med frantically studying next door might end up with a better GPA, but you'll definitely learn more about anatomy than he does.
PROS: Locked door. Parents pleased you're spending so much time at the library. Condoms readily available in first floor vending machine.
CONS: Windows. Mandatory sign-in at checkout desk diminishes secrecy (especially obvious if you bring champagne and an ice bucket). Harsh, unflattering fluorescent light shows every zit you've had since middle school. Four-hour time limit on room use may pose a problem for you masters of Tantric lovemaking.
TIP: Kindle the flame of desire with a bit of role playing. When signing in with the librarian, use the names of a famous couple, e.g., Romeo and Juliet, Robin Hood and Maid Marian, Siegfried and Roy.
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HUMA BUILDING SHOWERS
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Being an academ never felt so good.
PROS: White and black tile supply a classic art deco ambience while you're getting wet and wild. Shower head equipped with massage option made exclusively by Chicago Faucet and featuring their patented erotic Hydropoise technology. Memories of the opening ceremony may inspire episodes of exotic, if abstract dancing.
CONS: Possible interruption by Francisco and Scott, returning to strip copper from bathroom pipes as part of hilarious 'jack' on Martel College. Necessity of passing Religious Studies Department on second floor may prompt moral hesitation. Those unfamiliar with feminine hygiene products (like certain male BPEs) may mistakenly believe that tampon dispenser in women's bathroom supplies contraceptives.
TIP: Bring Herbal Essences and relive the commercial with a totally organic experience.
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BAKER HALL
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During the day, this building is renowned for the study of public relations. But when the sun goes down, relations turn private. Very private.
PROS: The third floor offers 12 alcoves separated by red velvet curtains. These secluded nooks also provide a stunning view from their balconies down into the main foyer.
CONS: Elevator makes conspicuous 'ding' noise audible in lobby, so the stairs present a more clandestine route to your lofty hideaway. Creepy pictures of Gorbachev and Arafat may ruin the sensual mood. Possible interruption by Doc C ambling through the halls muttering about myth, power, and value to no one in particular.
TIP: For the daring, the large wooden table in the center of the main hall represents the perfect political platform for conducting "negotiations." But beware, it's creaky.
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RYON LAB POOL
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Until now, the Civil Engineering Department had closely guarded knowledge of the wave pool, a sparkling gem hidden in the sultry bowels of Ryon Lab. Although it seems shallow at first, its three feet of water contain endless depths of passion potential.
PROS: Gives guys chance to prove the age-old claim: "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean." Pungent chlorine smell masks unpleasant engineer body odor.
CONS: One word: shrinkage. On a lesser note, engineers may be easily distracted from task at hand by impressive gear ratio on wave machine. No lifeguard on duty: Swim at your own risk.
TIP: To start making waves yourself, reenact love scenes from Titanic. "Oh Leo, paint me like one of your French girls!"
TIP 2:Leave behind no evidence.
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