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The Rice Thresher
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by Col. Mustard IN THE CONSERVATORY
Ten tower cranes collapsed on themselves during lunch, each one destroying the building it had been allotted to build, in what officials called "a freak coincidence." Among the projects destroyed or damaged were the incomplete Martel College, the Humanities Building, Rice Stadium, Fondren Library, both of the Jones Graduate School of Management buildings, and a row of Port-a-Johns next to the Beer-Bike track. Neither Facilities and Engineering nor Food and Housing representatives were able to explain the incident, although F&H did request that students "please stop leaving your trays in the hallways." Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs John "Hutch" Hutchinson blamed the incident on gravity.
Hutch then proposed that the Physics and Astronomy Department be dismantled in retribution. The repercussions of the disaster have been profound. At a Board of Trustees meeting immediately after the disaster, the Martel College project was abandoned in its entirety due to the building's destruction. Students having transferred to Martel College are no longer enrolled at Rice University. "Sorry," President Malcolm Gillis said. In addition, plans to move the Religious Studies Department into the soon-to-be-abandoned Wiess College were likewise scrapped when that building was also destroyed. "Thank God," said Gerald McKenny, the chair of the department. When asked for further comment on the crane collapses, Gillis could hardly contain his glee. "I was running out of room to build more stuff. But this is like taking my campus etch-a-sketch, turning it upside down, and shaking it real hard," Gillis giggled. "I'm going to replace the north colleges with a bounce house. You know, those colored, inflatable things you jump around in? Tons o' fun." Amazingly, no students were killed by the falling machinery, although the incident did cause large amounts of dirt and other small debris to be sent flying through the air, irritating the contact lenses of many nearsighted students. "It really hurt," Lovett College sophomore Carl Szabo said. "It was like something flew into my eye out of nowhere. I actually had to immediately return to my room, remove both lenses, and wash them thoroughly." Szabo then shed a single tear. "I've really lost all my faith in humankind." Houstonians in and around the campus area have been asked to donate whatever saline solution they can spare. When informed about the incident, many S/Es were quick to point out the fact that there weren't even 10 cranes on the Rice campus. BPE Adam Keith responded, "Bite me." F***ing HUMA Crane, 1999 Homecoming Queen, could not be reached for comment.
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