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The Rice Thresher
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- The Geto Boys
We've had the tremendous honor of being your Backpage Editors this past year. In this prestigious position, we've spent our weeknights meticulously crafting humorous observations that we hope will make your lives just a little bit brighter. We've seen our hard work put into print, and then watched with delight as you took the newspaper we slaved over and used it to mop up pools of vomit after your night of drunken revelry turned into a morning of reverse peristalsis. We're glad we could be there to provide the paper you needed to absorb your bodily fluids. In the coming year, we would like to continue this selfless service to the Rice community by taking the next logical step and becoming Student Association co-presidents. Former SA President Anne Countiss built her campaign around the promise of two-ply toilet paper. We're already delivering 24-ply, week after week! Imagine what could happen if we BPEs assumed roles of real power, or, alternately, became SA co-presidents. We realize we face some stiff competition. But in the words of Jimi Hendrix, we'd like to challenge the other SA presidential candidates to answer this simple question: "Are you experienced?" The answer, in the word of the girl that Mark tried to pick up at the Pub last week, is "no."
We're sure that some of you more anal readers will object to the fact that, due to our greater maturity, we will be graduating in May. Details, details. Our imminent departure from the academic world just means that, without classes, we'll be able to dedicate ourselves fulltime to the SA; between the two of us, we'll have 336 available hours per week to meet with students, as opposed to the paltry 27-hour weekly commitment Hanszen College juniors Jamie Lisagor and Gavin Parks made in the presidential debate. Moreover, as broke graduates lacking job prospects and housing, we'll be setting up residence in the SA office in the RMC in order to further open ourselves up to students. For the ladies, Sarah will be hosting plenty of slumber parties in those comfy quarters, and Rice guys should feel free to drop by to watch the XFL and drain a couple of brewskis with Mark. Some of the candidates have been discussing the idea of eliminating the LPAP requirement. We feel this proposal does not strike at the root of the problem. Instead, we believe the range of classes offered and the diversity of instructors should be expanded.
We also think curriculum reform should be more radical. We're not afraid of fighting the administration for dramatic changes to academic programs at Rice. For example, orgo is just too freakin' hard. It's time to kick that baby to the curb. Not only will this benefit pre-meds enrolled in the class, but it will also improve the lives of all the people who have to listen to pre-meds whining endlessly about how difficult the tests are. We believe strongly in representative government. Elected officials should reflect the cares and actions of their constituents. On an average week, about 1.7 percent of the Rice undergraduate population actually attends SA meetings. We want to represent the interests of this silent majority by also not attending SA meetings. We have what some political pundits might call a "laissez faire" approach, which is Latin for "slacker." Sarah's political science degree has taught her the importance of implementing "trickle-down economics" and hiding "the military industrial complex." These are skills that will certainly prove valuable in defeating the "Prisoner's Dilemma." Furthermore, Mark's major in ancient Mediterranean civilizations has fully prepared him for modern American unemployment, which, as we mentioned before, will give him plenty of free time to devote to you, the student body. Never mind that the elections ended Wednesday. We refuse to bow down to The Man and his "official election deadlines." Unlike the other candidates, who openly cater to the powers-that-be by submitting their candidacy petitions "on time," we chose to represent the student voice by announcing our candidacy only when we were good and ready. Haven't you ever turned in a paper a couple of days late simply because you wanted to do the best job possible? Plus, everyone hates those over-achievers who complete their assignments on time and ruin the curve for all of us. Ambitious, motivated, politically-minded individuals don't belong in a truly representative government at Rice. We do. Viva la revolucion!
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