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ONLINE 06-APR-01 Dave Coulier named commencement speaker for 2003 Gillis poses with Cosby, who is wearing his new Rice sweatshirt, after cementing their exchange of clothing for pudding. Gillis claimed not to be worried about the pudding stains on his Davy Crockett costume, a relic of his youth. Mmm, Jell-O. One of television's most celebrated uncles, Dave Coulier of "Full House" quasi-fame, will speak at Rice's 90th commencement in May 2003. President Malcolm Gillis said Coulier was chosen because of his outstanding contributions to comedic excellence in American popular culture. "Coulier's poignant, nuanced performance as Uncle Joey will be remembered for years to come as a landmark in our country's artistic history," Gillis declared. "But for all his hilarity and madcap antics, the character of Uncle Joey also embodied the difficulties of remaining a likeable authority figure. Like that episode where Stephanie was playing her New Kids on the Block tape so loud that Joey couldn't hear the basketball game he was watching, so then he had to smash her stereo and rip all the posters off her bedroom door. There was a man who wasn't afraid to establish clear lines of accountability for his students, er, nieces." S&M BID YOU FAREWELL All good things must come to an end: Kris Kross, the language requirement, S&M Backpages. Thanks for reading. Stay sweet and cool 4-ever! Our sincere gratitude to the following people who have provided us with ample material for our Backpages: - Francisco and Scott Malcolm Gillis - The college presidents The Student Association - Robert Morton - Dan Street - The Jesus Brick - Jones and Brown Gillis further observed that Coulier was an attractive candidate for speaker because he did not demand lavish reimbursement for his services. In fact, having not worked in the entertainment industry since 1993, owing to a chronic inability to provide entertainment, Coulier asked only for $10 and a warm meal. "Decadent construction projects have left Rice with insufficient funds to pay the more distinguished celebrities whom students have actually requested for their graduation speaker," Gillis remarked. "The only reason we got Bill Cosby is that he was willing to barter. We are establishing an award in his name and are giving him a Rice Owls sweatshirt. In return, Mr. Cosby has promised me a lifetime supply of the product he endorses: Jell-O. Mmmmmm. Rich, creamy, chocolatey Jell-O pudding." MISCLASS RETURNS Misclass is back, but it's not necessarily better than ever. Maybe the new BPEs will have lower standards. "I got more pleasure out of that man in one minute than I did from my girlfriend the whole next hour." - Hanszen junior male whose name rhymes with 'Eric Tibby' "O-Week is like summer camp, and Mexicans don't do summer camp." - Hanszen female during the Diversity Forum "Let's be adventurous and treat complex numbers with equal rights." - Dr. Symes, CAAM 336 "This is mathematics based on wishful thinking." - Dr. Symes, CAAM 336 "When it rains, water falls from the sky." - Christof Spieler, CIVI 201. Submit to backpage@rice.edu On a related note, Gillis announced that 2001 is the last year that Beer-Bike champions will be allowed to swim in his pool, which is soon to be drained and converted into his own personal pudding storage vat. Finally, Gillis responded to concerns that he was assuming total control of the selection process. "I feel confident that students will be happy to hear the sagely advice of any beloved '80s sitcom star," he said. "Having established a precedent with Cosby and Coulier, I went ahead and booked Gary Coleman for 2004 and ALF for 2005." - back - Search the Thresher pages: Enter your search terms: Copyright © 2000 The Rice Thresher. All Rights Reserved. This document may be distributed electronically, provided that it is distributed in its entirety and includes this notice. However, it cannot be reprinted without the express written permission of: The Rice Thresher, Rice University MS-524, PO Box 1892, Houston, TX 77251-1892, USA. The Thresher Online Project -- ethresh@listserv.rice.edu